Friday, April 11, 2008

Eat Your Heart Out, Sammy Davis!

A woman is our ward has started a kids' choir and Georgia has joined. She's delighted that this Monday they'll perform at a nursing home. The song she likes the best and keeps singing is "Candy Man." But I drive her crazy because I can't sing the right words anymore.

This is because every year at the Exponent Retreat they have a talent show, and what is my talent? To make fun of things of course. And even though I barely hum the hymns in church, so untrained is my voice, I belt out wacky songs that I've rewritten. The first one I did was a Mormon Brady Bunch ("It's a story of a special lady, who was bringing up 3 very special girls. All of them read the Book o Mormon like their mother, the D&C and the Pearl..."). Think of the primary song "I love to see the temple" and instead imagine 6 women singing "I love to nurse my baby" as they fling breast pads (courtesy of Denise) into the audience. Or perhaps you might enjoy my twist on the Sunbeam song: "Jesus wants me to take Prozac so I don't flip my lid!" I can't in good conscience publish the lyrics to "Called to Serve" without offending lots of people, so email me privately if you really must know.

Last year The Red Hot Mamas (as we are known), consisting of Coco, Rachel, & Jen W sang my version of "Candy Man" that I spun into a tribute to Mormon cooking. It's hard to picture without all the props (I lied to my farmer/neighbor to get the giant zuccini pictured above, used for verse 4--phallic imagery is a staple of mine). We also had flower shaped jello molds, groovy aprons, and baby marshmellows. Here are the lyrics:

Alright everybody gather 'round
The Mormon Mom is here
What kind of Meal do you want
Tuna Casserole?
Carob chip cookies?
Rice Crispy Treats?
Anything you want
You've come to the right gal
'Cause I'm the Mormon Mom!


Who can take some jello
Pour it in a mold
Add marshmallows and shredded carrots when it’s cold
The Mormon Mom
The Mormon Mom can
The Mormon Mom can
'Cause she uses recipes
From the Ward Cookbook

Who can take some Tuna
Add cream of mushroom soup
Put in raman noodles and heat it into goop
The Mormon Mom
Oh, the Mormon Mom can
The Mormon Mom can
Cause she buys it all in bulk
For the millenium

Chorus:
The Mormon makes everything she bakes
Economical and nutritious
Talk about the loaves and fishes
She fulfills all our food storage wishes


Who can take some icemilk
Add Homemade rootbeer
Include a bendy straw to make the kids all cheer
The Mormon Mom
The Mormon Mom can
The Mormon Mom can'
Cause she wants a wholesome treat
At the Pioneer Parade

The Mormon makes everything she bakes
Economical and nutritious
Talk about the loaves and the fishes
She fulfills all our food storage wishes

Who can take zucchini
Cover it with cheese
Sprinkle it with cornflakes and paprika if you please
The Mormon Mom
Oh, the Mormon Mom can
The Mormon Mom can
'Cause she grew it all herself
In her own backyard

Yes, the Mormon can
'Cause she mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
A-Mormon Mom, a Mormon Mom

It was hysterical. We even peed our pants a little before we went "on stage." Yes, the Red Hot Mamas are incontinent. My point is, Georgia keeps getting mad at me when I join in as she practices, singing about soup and food storage and corn flakes. Try as I might, I can't go back to the original version.

The biggest draw back to this annual mockery is that some part of me is always hearing alternate versions to songs. Call it the Weird Al syndrome. It's all fine and dandy until the opening hymn is "Hold to the Rod" and I'm tee-heeing so hard that I'm in danger of soaking the pew. The Retreat is only 6 months away. If anyone has any good suggestions, please, let me know!!!!

3 comments:

Denise said...

Heather, you forgot one song! Remember our "I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home"??? I was on the exponent web site the other day, and, if they had sign up forms ready, I would have done it right then. I am so ready to have a weekend with my sista's at Exponent.

Keep on making up wacky songs, part of why we love you so much!!

The Albertsen Family said...

When I saw your email I instantly thought, oh no pics of me holding the zuchinni. Thank you for not posting that. One of those things my husband just wouldn't understand, since he already things that Exponent is a big pajama party.

Robyn said...

Heather, no blog makes me laugh out loud like yours--and I remember your 3 Brady songs; I'd love to see/hear them again! We had an 80s party and used your 80s trivia questions. I was shocked at how few people remembered who shot J.R. even though most of them were our age or a bit older...my husband was the only person who knew all the answers. Trivia-head. If you don't mind, I'd like to use the Mommon Mom Can song in an upcoming RS mtg; it is most unfortunate that I too, at the young near-40, have experienced the lovely incontinence. I can't even sneeze anymore! robynb68@gmail.com